Anger As Sven Refuses To Quit

Press deny Eriksson's new contract

Sven: Balaguer into his Nancy

Kenyon: Negotiating tactic

Claudio: Last laugh

England fans and FA Clergymen were left spinning in circles of bewilderment last night. Those circles were ever decreasing around one man. England Head Coach Sven Goran Eriksson.

Diana Ross

After half of his head being photographed outside the home of Chelsea Chief Executive Peter Kenyon by some bloke who sold the picture to best selling English tabloid The Sun who then used it to tell everyone that Sven was off to Chelsea which prompted a slurry of stories from broadcasters to broadsheets, tattle tails to tabloids all swearing blind that Eriksson's England days were numbered. By Sunday they were all at it. Even to the point of saying that he was off to Madrid and that hapless Liverpool boss Gerard Houllier was set to replace him.

Scoops

The combined British Press were said to be furious this morning when after they'd printed their especially prepared in advance articles announcing the impending resignation of the England coach and called in their contacts with stories hoping to scoop everyone else about who will be the next England manager only for the current England manager to pop up this morning to tell everyone that he's signed an extension on his England contract to 2008.

Football corespondents everywhere were forced out of bed on Sunday morning and made to go into work by angry editors to update their out of date and somewhat silly looking websites.

"I'm outraged", said Paul Wilson, Football corespondent of English Sunday broadsheet The Observer, "I had to call in my grade A scoop about Houllier being the next England manager. Now I have to find a new scoop and write my "Sven Quits" piece all over again."

The Sun Columnist Dominic Mohan who wrote a particularly scathing, not to mention presumptuous column on Sven's "resignation" was incoherent with rage: "Ugh muh fufuhh sguv wiggy." He told The Onion Bag. Other reporters who refused to be named vowed revenge. "One crap result in Portugal and it's the Photoshop treatment for him." One of them said over a treble scotch in a pub in Stoke Newington.

Hacks

However, it didn't take long for the Hacks to come up with a response to the decision that came as such a shock to them. "He's not really signed a contract." Said Garth Crooks of the BBC. "And even if he has he can get out of it at anytime."

"In fact," a Daily Mirror reporter told us, "This changes nothing. Sven Goran Eriksson will be going to both Chelsea and Real Madrid in the summer."

A Spokesman from the Press Association denied suggestions that the football media had got carried away and wrong-footed "The Media act responsibly at all times." He said as he floated off into the distance inside the basket of a hot air balloon.

Sven Rules

And what of the man surrounding all the controversy, the England manager himself. The Onion Bag caught up with Eriksson as he was getting into a cab to take him to Highbury for the Arsenal Man U clash.

"It doesn't do any harm to speak to other clubs before negotiating a new contract. It keeps the FA on their toes and puts more Balaguer into my Nancy. So what if a few hacks get upset. There going to slaughter me in Portugal anyway so to hell with them. Let that be a lesson to everyone. Never under estimate the England manager. Especially when he's not English."

A spokes man for Chelsea FC told us: "Peter Kenyon is unavailable to speak to the media today on account of him felling like a twat. Neither can Claudio Ranieri. He is very busy today pissing himself with laughter."

Duffman