Kennedy Scotches Blues Talks

I never spent the night under bridge, says Lib Dem Leader

Kennedy: Sweaty

Kenyon: Recruitment issues

Dave Penney (middle): Resisted temptation

Charles Kennedy, manager of mid table political party Liberal Democrats yesterday confirmed that he will continue as leader despite being offered the new managers position at title chasers Chelsea at the end of the season.

The rumors began last Wednesday when Kennedy was absent from the Chancellor Gordon Brown's budget claiming that he had a tummy upset. Speculation was fueled when Chelsea chief executive Peter Kenyon was spotted the same day emerging from an Oddbins off license close to Kennedy's home carrying an industrial sized bottle of Scotch Whisky.

Teachers

Later on in the week a Lib Dem Spokesman informed the Onion Bag's Westminster Corespondent, Dikko Fixon, "Charles has had no contact with anyone from Chelsea football club. He missed the budget debate because he had a terrible hangover... I mean violent stomach bug."

However, later that day, after the same spokesman had sampled some imported German beer at St Stephen's Tavern in Parliament Square on The Onion Bag's increasingly meager expense account admitted confidentially that Kennedy was in fact in talks with Kenyon over a controversial plan for the Lib Dem leader to take over as Chelsea boss in the summer.

Bells

This is not the first time a political leader has been linked to a high profile football managers position. The Onion Bag exclusively revealed last year that the Prime Minister Tony Blair himself was linked with the vacant position at Real Madrid.

According to a Chelsea insider (actually it was a program vendor) the decision to go after Kennedy was that for some reason Kenyon was having problem finding an actual football manager to do the job. Ottmar Hitzfeld, Martin O'Neill and David Penney have all been approached but have ruled themselves out because they're thought to be holding out for the England job.

Famous Grouse

However, Kennedy himself confirmed at a party conference speech that he was staying with the Liberal Democrats and vowed to fight for second place in next years General Election and to continue to attack the government on WMD.

"While its immensely gratifying to be offered such a prestigious position I feel very strongly that we are building something very special here and besides..." said the sweaty politician, "All that running around on the training pitch plays merry hell with my liver... drink anyone?"

Duffman