Number Crunching

'Take-away' jibe led to QPR punch-up



Battle Creek Brawl
An eyewitness told the Onion Bag: "The match suddenly exploded into something almost interesting. I've never seen anything like it in my life. There were punches, nunchuks, kung-fu kicks and all sorts. It was absolute mayhem." One of the China players was subsequently hospitalised.Friend of Alan Green
QPR reserve team full-back Gary Useless claims he was merely stating who he would be marking and not, as blinkered do-gooders have suggested, making an offensive jibe based on the fact the many Chinese restaurants use a numbering system on the menu."I would never have said something like that. And if I had, well, them Japs don't never speak no English anyways, do they?" he remarked while pulling his eyebrows wide with his fingers, before adding in a mock Chinese accent: "Me no understandee".
Sing My Song
But China centre forward Ding Mi Dong, who only speaks Mandarin, told our translator a different version of events. In a deep, strangely American accent, Dong recalled, "This guy, well, he said I have offended his family and offended the Shaolin temple. I had dishonoured him and so he wanted to fight everyone. So I said to him, if you wanna fight. Fight me,".Quite why Dong's lips kept moving for a few more seconds remains a mystery. He then proceeded to take on every player on the pitch in an orderly fashion, defeating them one at a time.