Seville Disobedience

Wheelchair users 'evil' according to cops

Measured response

Spurs Agro: Asking for it

Tomlinson: Not the first stick beating

Spanish police have pointed the finger of blame firmly in the direction of wheelchair users and schoolgirls for the sickening display of hooliganism that erupted in last week's UEFA Cup tie between Seville and Tottenham.

All of the violence - none of the discretion

Seville Police Chief Franco Viva, explained why the seemingly unprovoked baton charge was necessary: "We were told to adopt a zero-tolerance approach and I have - I am 100% intolerant to all fans no matter what their sex, age, colour or physical abilities."

Trouble sparked when Spurs fans started pointing and grumbling following a string of bizarre refereeing decisions culminating in the award of a penalty for Seville. "The pointing and grumbling was at a dangerous level, my officers had no choice but to attack," insisted Senor Viva. "My orders were clear: attack the guy in the wheelchair and as many little girls as possible."

Baton Wheel-ding

The latin lawman seemed surprised that the actions of his officers had been seen by some sections of the media as over-the-top. "I was convinced that the wheelchair man was the ringleader of the pointing and maybe even the grumbling too. These people are twisted inside and out - it's no wonder they want to spoil everyone's fun.

"Look at history, you will see evil men in wheelchairs: Davros out of Dr Who for one, and then there's James Bond's nemesis Blofeld - not the camp one in Diamonds Are Forever, the one that was dropped down a chimney at the start of For Your Eyes Only. In Spain, we throw everyone in a wheelchair into the loony bin - we find it's better for everyone."

Emotional crutch

"As for the schoolgirls - well we all in Europe know what the British are like with their hoodies and teenage pregnancies - a good regular beating would keep them all in order - to your Daily Mail, we are heroes are we not?"

Amongst the downtrodden supporters was Sky Sports older totty Clare Tomlinson: "They charged wildly, brutally beating us with sticks - it was just like that time when I was caught in bed with Bryan Robson by his wife."

Sp3ktor