Weird Jam Domino Effect

Johnny P recalls a memorable demise

Pundit: With all the grisly details

Exhibit A

Trautmann: Trained killer, bang to rights

Funny old thing, football. For instance, dear old whippersnapper Alan Ball's sad death. Slightly unusual too, what with the bonfire and all. Those of my generation would instantly have thought of Harry "Teabag" Tonkton…

Death by double glazing

Old "Teabag" was killed by a cold call about double glazing. Or by a teabag, depending on your point of view. Certainly, he was only called "Teabag Tonkton" after his death. And a most embarrassing death it was too.

A jam sarnie and a cup of splosh

What happened was this. It was a late Spring afternoon and "Teabag" — yet to be called that of course, but stay with me — "Teabag" hobbled into the kitchen to make himself a jam sarnie and a cup of splosh. I'd played with Teabag at Stoke and we were both partial to a nice cup of tea. Anyhoo, he got out bread, butter and jam and put the kettle on. Just then, the phone rang. He went to answer it — some Johnny trying to sell him replacement windows — but he'd forgotten to pop the lid back on the kettle.

Flip

The steam duly rose out of the kettle. Above the kettle was a glass shelf. That grew slippery with steam. The cups on the glass shelf started to slip, one nearest the edge fell off. It landed on the working end of a teaspoon, which flipped up in the air, landing on the milk bottle which wobbled then tipped over, spilling milk onto the kitchen floor. This attracted Trautmann, Teabag's pet cat, who, as he started to lick up the milk, rubbed against the kitchen unit, causing the butter to fall on the floor too.

It's a mystery

Teabag finally got rid of the windows man, came back in the kitchen, slipped on the butter, crashed into a cupboard, toppling off a bunch of carving knives, one of which speared him in the head. The resulting murder investigation lasted weeks; the cops couldn't work out where the jam came into it, or why Teabag's assailant apparently decided a nice cup of tea would be just the thing after killing someone. I mean, it knocks that CIS into a cocked hat. Mind you, I'm more of a 'Midsomer Murders' man myself.

As they say, one thing leads to another.

Johnny Pundit