Unstable Timetable

Wenger Warns of Winter Wipeout

Arsenal Players: Big Yawns

Happier Times: Good Head

Typical Saturday Afternoon at the Emirates

Following Arsenal's defeat to Fulham this week, Arsene Wenger is calling for a Premiership Winter Break for up to nine months.

The Onion Bag has obtained a leaked copy of a secret document that has been forwarded to the FA from Arsenal this week that proposes that no football be played in the premiership between the middle of August and the end of April.

Tired and Emotional

In a secret interview with the Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak, Arsene Wenger said "Our playerz are veree tired and giving zem a break from zeir punisheeng schedule will give them zee energy zay need to perform when and where it matters (ie off zee pitch)."

Wasted

"Our priority eez to keep the man with zee money-lorry driving up to my house by winning Champions League matches. Also, all the travelling, staying in zee luxury 'otels and rolleeng around in my money peet means that my own health is affected. It is time wasted. I used to have a beautiful head of flowing chestnut hair. Now I look like zee old man."

Hammered (or should that be Gunnered?)

The players have voiced their support for the new policy as they currently feel that they do not have the freedom the need to pursue their key objectives. A section from the leaked document lists the first squad's primary objectives for the 2006-7 season.

The key headings are:

a) chase skirt

b) roll around in money pit

c) write unreadable pointless autobiography

d) marry popstar

e) punch paparazzi

f) assault women in nightclubs

g) occasionally turn up and play football.

Comments attached to the list noted that objective g) tended to make a) to f) much harder to achieve.

Seeing Double

The FA and SKY TV are also keen on the idea as it means that they can do away with having to sell tickets to matches, maintain stadiums and provide overpriced beer and meat pies. SKY will show digitally altered repeats of old matches with randomly generated results.

Half-Cut

The premiership table results will be decided by a one-off gambling tournament at Michael Owen's house in late March.

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