Football: Reinvented As Entertainment

Johnny P meditates on a Euro 2008 without England

Pundit: For an old bloke, reasonably positive

McLaren: Thoughtfully responsible for the happiness of the nation

Just as good as watching England, honest

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, sado-masochists. For you, 2008 is a bad year. Does that mean you’ll enjoy it more?

Breast

Yes, my friends, a bad year for sado-masochists. With a major tournament going ahead without England, what future for the tearing out of hair? For the beating of the collective breast? For the wailing and gnashing of crooked, yellowing English teeth?

Wither

Well-meaning volunteers at The Samaritans will wait listlessly by the phones, bored, probably edging inexorably into depression (that’s a point: who will THEY ring?) Booze sales will plummet. Fag sales will wither. Happiness is no good for the economy. Fortunately, Her Majesty’s Government is doing its bit to help, cleverly making a hash of both fuel prices AND the environment. Thank you HMG! Phew!

Bewildered

So, instead of having to watch an England side we know are amateurish and unimaginative somehow blunder their way past more talented competition only to arrive, bewildered, in a quarter final which they lose on penalties, we’ll be obliged instead to watch Ronaldo’s Portugal; Torres’ Spain; and Robben’s Netherlands.

I don’t know how we’ll cope.

Johnny Pundit