Rac To Elland Road

Roadside rescue firm to help Leeds start

RAC: Elland roadside rescue?

Bates: old banger?

Leeds United yesterday

Fears that relegated Leeds United 'may not start next season' have been calmed today by the arrival of an RAC van outside Elland Road.

The Yorkshire club have been in a spectacular decline since former chairman Peter Ridsdle went mad and tried to pilot the club into the heart of the sun several years back. A subsequent takeover by Ken Bates has not improved the club's fortunes.

Kwik-Fit F**ker

The warning came from administrators KPMG after taking a look at the club's accounts. Shaking his head and scratching his beard, a KPMG number-cruncher in greasy overalls sucked in his breath and sighed at a High Court hearing, "It's a big job, mate. Could take a long time. Need the parts, see?" before dropping the club's bonnet and loping off for a fag.

Chairman Bates, however, claimed all was well. Spitting through his beard, he said "I thought this would happen. That's why I bought breakdown cover. I am confident they will get us going again. We will start the season."

Muddy Punster

But not everyone is convinced Bates's solution will work. Businessman Simon Franks, a Leeds fan, has been trying to buy the club through his Redbus investment vehicle. "Redbus is the perfect vehicle to jump start Leeds," he said in a sentence concluding with such a bad pun, our reporter Larry Gak was forced to punch him in the face.

The club is now for sale to anyone looking to restore a clapped out old banger to former glory.

Hello John Got a New Motor?

Experts are warning potential buyers to ensure that a full mechanical check is carried out by experts before parting with their cash. Most motoring organisations provide such a service.

Castro