Bumpkins Banned!

Premier League say no to Bristol

A Bristol City fan yesterday

Predictable "Bristols" image: must stay at least 100 yards away from

The Wurzels: cider-swilling wife beaters

Before they have even reached the Premier League, Bristol City have been banned from English football's top flight should they get there.

Premier League chairmen voted to deny City membership of the elite should they beat Hull in the upcoming play-off final on the grounds that west country folk are just a bit too weird.

Brenda Bristols

Bristol City would be the Premier League's most westerly club if they got to the top division, except for Liverpool who are marginally further west but are not weird in the way country bumpkins are.

Ernesto Cockgrupier speaking on behalf of the Premier League said, "Weird shit happens down there. They shag sheep, eat their young, and interbreed. We've come to expect the modern professional to stick a mobile up his arse set to vibrate, but what these people do is beyond good taste," he spat.

See you next Wednesday

Supporting the claims is the recent revelation about City assistant manager Keith "Milly" Millen and his obsession with urine. Sort of.

We asked bumpkin band The Wurzels what they thought about City being banned but they couldn't hear us over the noise of their brand new combine harvester, they gave us the key.

Stay off the moors

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak contacted west country "wit" Jethro to find out what he thought. "Ooohhh, arrrggh. 'Aarrv you seen my Beast of Bodmin?" he said while pissing into a still of homemade cider.

Castro