Bag End

Soccer plot to stop satire

Castro: Desperate hack

Sp3ktor: mmm... axminster

Duffman: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

The Onion Bag faces closure after what it has called a pernicious plot on the part of the football community to shut down the world's most popular satirical football website, by behaving in a manner so ridiculous as to make it impossible to lampoon.

Stranger than fiction

The spate of ludicrous football related stories such as the chilling "Four in court over QPR 'attack'", the bizarre ""Maradona tackles Pele on TV Show" and the frankly insane "FA considers 2018 World Cup bid" are threatening the livelihood of the hard-working and dedicated hacks at The Onion Bag.

"It's a disaster", veteran Bag writer Sp3ktor told our soon to be ex-intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "I spend hours sat at my computer consuming dangerous quantities of gin in order to produce top quality satire only to find that even more absurd and hilarious events are taking place in real life."

Invasive procedures, Mr Sulu

This spate of factual nonsense has led to a sharp downturn in advertiser interest. Long time sponsors, such as Bog Joe's Invasive Instruments, have cut their funding by as much as 25%. "They offered us double sized banners and reduced click through", said Bog Joe. "I told them to stick it up their a*ses."

Fellow contributor Castro fears for his job: "It's just like the Great Gag Famine of 1915", he said. "Who'll provide for me little ones?"

And I'm still waiting

Onion Bag Publisher, Willhelm Van Clenchmonker, believes redundancies are inevitable unless football events starts to take place in a less satirical way. He has given the writers until next Monday to think of something funnier than the reality of the modern game. Editor-in-chief Duffman is confident that The Onion Bag will endure however. "There is nothing to worry about", he said. "I'll come up with shoulder shackingly funny. As soon as I've thought of a gag to end this sentence with..."

Duffman