Ernesto Explains It All

Flash footie biz man gives us the inside track

Inside man

The coal face

Box office smash

Top soccer business consultant Ernesto Cockgroupier writes for the Onion Bag

I've been a huge footie fan since I was in short trousers. I remember my dad taking me to Thornton Heath Rovers when I was a kid for an FA Cup game.

Magic of the cup

The atmosphere was amazing... amazingly bad that is. I'd never heard such a lousy PA. Where was the choral music and the free clappers. Teams like Man United don't come every week to places like this. All they could come up with to mark the occasion were those half and half scarves. Where were the commemorative replica shirts? What about the double priced programmes?

At that moment I knew I wanted to be in football. I had so much to offer. My first job was Head of Brand Strategy for Waddon Wanderers FC. I was only fourteen. Whilst there, I increased brand awareness among 12 and 16 year old males by 7.94%. Great times. Shame we were relegated in consecutive seasons and lost the cup final.

Small acorns

It didn't take long for me to be noticed. Soon afterwards I was head-hunted by Crystal Palace and became a Fundraising Interface Partner at the club. There was a lot of face-to-face contact going on then, selling scratch cards on people's doorsteps. It was life on the coalface.

Pretty soon I rose to the top and was a box office hit. I was managing the box office at Fairfield Halls Croydon while looking for a way into football. Then finally my big break. I managed to get pictures of one of Roman Abramovitch's parties while I was serving canopies. Pretty soon I was head of PR at Chelsea. I even met Jose Mourinho. Great days.

UB 40

Seeking new challenges, I went it alone as a freelance consultant and life couldn't be better. I've got a seat on a Quango reporting to the Government on community relations in football. I only have to turn up to one meeting every fortnight. The pays not so great. I could earn as much by signing on.

Ernesto