Ronaldo's Royal Ruckus

Fuggin' tunnel skullduggery

he wasn\'t going too fast...

"it\'s the starter motor, we found it on the M62..."

Fiat Panda: Suspicious

After Cristiano Ronaldo's Ferarri near miss in a Manchester tunnel the Onion Bag can reveal that he may be the target of assassins engaged by the Royal Family.

The Portuguese hotshot's arrogance and latin temperament may be his undoing after an unfortunate run in at a Go-Kart track in Littlehampton.

Pork and Cheese

During an 8-lap heat at the 2009 OOM (Overpriviliged Oik Miniprix), Ronaldo ran Prince Harry off the track at a hairpin into the hay bales. Harry, despite now being a model citizen and role model for us all, reacted with his usual calm and tact and confronted Ronaldo at the finish line, making his feelings known in a blaze of colourful language (along with some interesting hand gestures).

Following this blaze of emotional outpourings, Ronaldo's personal assistant had to reassure the Prince that the footballing wunderkind was neither Spanish, of doubtful parentage, nor had he had intimate relations with his own mother.

It was believed that a swift pint and a wrestle later, all was forgotten, but our investigations say otherwise.

Spit Roast Pig

Our sources showed us mobile telephone records that showed Harry had immediately been in touch with his Grandfather. From there a mysterious set of event seem to have been set in motion. It is reported that Ronaldo was pursued by up to 15 paparazzi photographers as he left a fish and chip shop on the Wilmslow road and headed home. Eyewitnesses also reported a battered Fiat Panda driving erratically just ahead of the boy wonder's speeding supercar as it entered the tunnel.

Bangers and Mash

At the recent award ceremony where Ronaldo picked up his bestest player in the universe according to OK magazine award he was consoled by Pele who said:

"Don't worry lad, I was the greatest footballer in the world when it really meant something, and I couldn't ride a bike. Plus my little blue shorts used to ride right up my bum crack when I was in the saddle."

sinj