Civil War Looms After Midlands Collapse

Storm clouds gather over middle England

Bruce: Under there somewhere

Robson: Neither north nor south

Prescott: Mr Blue Sky

Civil war is in the offing following the collapse of the region in England known as the Midlands.

The area loosely defined as the land between Stratford upon Avon and Derby and stopping on the Welsh Border with Birmingham as its central hub stopped existing as a region in its own right following the relegation of two of its football clubs from the premier league.

Down and Out

While Birmingham City & West Bromwich Albion contemplate life in the Championship, battle lines are being drawn between the two remaining regions The North and The South over the remains of The Midlands.

The South, with London as its Capital, are claiming Birmingham. London Mayor Ken Livingston plans to rename the second City Newtbrentville. Livingston hopes to build a new stadium called Wembley Two which should be completed sometime before the opening of Wembley One.

Corn fight

However, Northerners are claiming Brum as their own and are hostile to The South's plans. The dispute is dividing old loyalties with the House of Commons split between North and South rather than left or right. "The moods pretty ugly in the House" one MP told us, "Last night we were supposed to be debating European Corn quotas and we ended up coming to blows over the territorial control of the Solihull Bypass."

Villa Real

As the North v South clash looks ever more likely, the key battleground will be at the old Midlands only remaining top flight football club Aston Villa. "Whoever controls Villa Park has the advantage" said Brigadier Ernesto Cockgroupier of the 1st Croydon Bingers. Villa chairman Doug Ellis has declared neutrality and is lobbying the UN to have his club declared a City State. "We've battened down the hatches and are repelling borders from both sides" he announced in his weekly podcast. "Villa Park is currently under siege."

Supplies are being airlifted into the area by sympathetic football clubs in Scotland and Wales. However, as Villa's dismal run of results shows their spirit is nearing breaking point.

F**k off

The responsible minister for this kafuffle is Deputy PM John "Two Shags" Prescott who has promised to end the conflict peacefully. "As soon as I heard the news I put down my secretary and headed straight for Coventry" he told a press conference. "The Prime Minister himself has made it clear he wants me to stay there until the bitter end".

Duffman