Positive Vibes

It's cumming home

In shops now

New fans discuss who should be played in the hole

It's a long tournament

Single women and unfulfilled wives will have their chance of enjoying this summer's World Cup with the launch of a new range of FA endorsed vibrators.

The launch comes just days after German stars Oliver Kahn and Michael Ballack blocked a German sex shop chain's attempts to sell vibrators under their names.

World Cup Willies

The products "Olli K", "Michael B" and the "David B" were removed from the top shelves after the threat of legal action from the outraged Germans. However the manufacturers, Beate Uhse, received no such complaints from David Beckham about his product.

Sex toy pedlars and Birmingham City owners David Gold and David Sullivan have been quick to take advantage of the gaping hole in the already burgeoning World Cup tie-in market with a full range of England squad inspired vibrators.

Three Loins

A group of Bacardi Breezer fuelled female England fans agreed to test out a few to see if they could put a smile on their face following the disappointing display against Belarus midweek:

The Stevie G - proved extremely effective but unfortunately tended to break if over-used.

The Gary N - described as solid and dependable but left the user thinking that surely something newer and better could be used instead.

The Shaun W - was too easily dropped.

The Owen H - can be used anywhere but with quite unspectacular results.

The Peter C - caused hearts to flutter with its remarkable length and exquisite touch, but surprisingly disappointed in the box.

Half-cocked

Gold and Sullivan's boffing boffins are working night and day to bring fans their flagship product the Wayne R in time for the competition, but last night revealed that this product may be replaced at the last minute by the budget level Jermaine D.

Sp3ktor