Fake Phil Fools Fa

By The Onion Bag May 02, 2006

Fake Phil Fools Fa

Barwick fobbed off with phoney Scolari

Lap dancer: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

The Onion Bag can reveal that it was a tabloid hack disguised as "Big" Phil Scolari who "accepted" the job as England manager.

The Fake Phil was none other than The Onion Bag's own Larry Gak who, masquerading as the Brazilian manager, met FA Chief Executive Brian Barwick and agreed to replace Sven Goran Eriksson as England head coach.

Amaze your friends

Our man Gak is a master of disguise after going on a six week correspondence course under the tutoring of the great Julius Limbani of the University of Croydon. Gak obtained a plastic moustache from an unwanted Christmas cracker and a bald wig.

With his eyes watering from the fake moustache clip pinching his nose, our Fake Phil met the hapless Barwick and hammered out a multi million pound deal to bring ""Big" Phil" to England after the World Cup.

Telenovela

"I was a bit worried he [Barwick] would not be taken in by my dodgy Brazilian accent" Gak told The Onion Bag's other lesser known reporter Gary Lak. "I tried to sound like one of those blokes on those Brazilian soap operas where they're always shagging each other and he fell for it completely".

Part of the transcript is reproduced here:

Barwick: So you're positive you can win the World Cup.

Gak: You are a very handsome man. I will not lie to you.

Barwick: And you're certain you don't have any young… girls on the side.

Gak: Only football is my mistress. I like to wear her undergarments. I have her stockings on now as we speak.

Barwick: Er yes… and erm what else would you bring to the role?

Publicly accountable

Once the story broke the following day the FA contacted the real Scolari and between them concocted the story that he wouldn't be taking the job after all due to the somewhat flimsy excuse that 24 hour press scrutiny of Scolari himself, his wife, family and garbage is too much to take on for a coaching job.

Lap top

The full transcript of Barwick's interview with the Fake Phil has unfortunately gone missing after The Onion Bag's editor was persuaded to lend the tape to a newspaper journalist disguising himself as a Soho lap dancer.

Duffman