Coin Throwers Face The Noose

Lobbing cash a capital crime

Gallows: String 'em up

van Persie: Hit by coin

West Ham supporter sentenced to hang (artist's impression)

Home Secretary John Reid announced this morning that if the spectators who threw coins at two football players last weekend are caught they will be executed.

Claus Jensen of Fulham and Arsenal's Robin van Persie were struck by coins of the realm hurled from the crowds.

Hang 'em high

Reid declared that he would string up anyone who threw money about under an ancient law that declared coin abuse as high treason and a capital offence. "According to the Unnecessary Powers Act 1689 we can take these cowardly penny shoving hooligans, stick 'em up against the wall and shoot them." Reid told The Onion Bag. "Mind you I'd rather see them hang. I do enjoy a good hanging. I'd string 'em all up if it was up to me. And if I have my way, it will... what were we talking about again?"

Struck off!

Van Persie was struck by a coin thrown by a West Ham supporter during the Hammers 1-0 victory against Arsenal. The attack may have contributed to Gunner's manager Arsene Wenger's grumpiness which led to him nearly coming to blows with his opposite number Alan Pardew. Either that or Wenger was embarrassed that his highly rated Champion's League finalist's had been mugged by Marlon Harewood.

Old rope

So far the culprits are still at large. While the search continues, human rights activist Les Dyke is worried that the old law could be abused and many innocent football supporters could be killed. "How do we know that hanging will only apply to those who throw coins at people and not just in general." she demanded to know. "After all, if we strung up every football fan for throwing money around they'd be hanging off every lamp post from Torquay to Carlisle United"

The referee's a...

The Referees and Linesman Association have requested clarification from the Home Office of the definition of the term throwing as opposed to tossing coins which is a vital part of an officials job. "If these coin chuckers are to be sent to the gallows what about us tossers?" said leading ref Graham Poll.

Duffman