Newell's Guide To Chivalry

Essential advice for the modern gentleman

Newell: A Vindication of the Rights of Football Managers

Bra-burning feminist. Possible student

Woman: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Luton Town manger Mr M Newell answers questions on the proper conduct of a gentleman toward a lady.

Hot Dog Stand

Mr Coatrack writes:

Sir, while en route back to my seat at the Kenilworth Road ground during your recent splendid performance against the Crystal Palace club, I tripped on a young guttersnipe ferreting for half time lottery tickets. The resultant miss-hap caused my hot dog to shoot from its bun and deposit itself into the lap of a lady supporter of appealing disposition. Attempts to retrieve said sausage resulted in an unpleasant encounter with the lady's male companion and a brief spell helping the local constabulary with their enquiries over the altercation.

What could I have done to avoid this embarrasing situation?

Mr Newell replies:

Under normal circumstances I'd recommend a polite and heart felt apology to the lady. Offer to compensate her for any damage caused to her afternoon wear and suggest, tactfully, that she or her male companion remove said item so that you can dispose of it in observance of the relevant health and safety regulations.

However, since you say the incident took place within a football ground I would have merely told the lady: "Eh Love, if you're done playing with me sausage, get your coat and bugger off will ya. Football's no place for a woman." Be sure to twat her boyfriend for good measure.

Equality Bill

Mr Hatstand writes:

Sir, recently I have been stepping out with a modern lady of independent means who is being schooled on the physical sciences at the University of Sussex. On our last meeting at the popular Leonardo's restaurant in the fair city of Brighton the lady insisted that she pay for her half of the meal. I wouldn't hear of it and a dispute set in which resulted in my being branded a "male chauvinist". Furthermore she refused to accept a kiss on the cheek after escorting her to her dorm which I have become accustomed to. Is there any way I could have avoided this unhappy and frustrating anti-climax to the evening?

Mr Newell replies:

In the past I have been confronted with a member of the fairer sex's desire for parity when the bill arrives at Famous Maurice's Pizza Emporium, Birkenhead. I have found it prudent to counter any accusations of chauvinism with a polite nod of deference and a whimsical remark such as: "guilty as charged Madam". This usually causes the lady to soften her position to the benefit of both parties.

However, in your case I would have told the smart arsed tax dodging, bra-burning, dungaree wearing, feminist, bint: "Don't worry about it Love, I know how you students are hard up these days. Tell you what, if you really want to pay me back, there's an alleyway just around the corner we can go down for a quick one. It'll have to be quick too since Match of the Day starts in half an hour." Be sure to offer to walk her to the taxi rank afterwards. That should resolve the situation without any further embarrassment. And remember to use a condom. You don't know where some of these mungbean eating independant "wimmin" have been.

A woman's place

Mr Doormat writes:

Sir, my wife wishes to involve herself more with our son's local junior football association. Do you think there is a place for women in the men's game?

Mr Newell replies:

Yes, absolutely, especially in the hospitality and catering departments. I wouldn't employ them in the laundry service though. The disposal of a man's jock strap straight after a game is no job for a lady. I'd sooner send the Missus to work down the pit.

Duffman