Fergie's Secret Shame: I Want To Be A Londoner

We expose truth behind Sir Alex's trips to London

Sir Alex: wants to be a Londoner, because he loves London town?

Pearly King & Queen: sick fetish

Sploshing: ok fetish

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has a secret desire to be a Londoner, the Onion Bag can exclusively reveal.

The always angry boss was assaulted in London's Euston railway station last week while on his way to a "function", but we can reveal that his weekly trips to the nation's capital are to indulge a sick festish to become a Londoner.

Goin' South

Ferguson, who comes from Scotland and lives in Manchester, has been making the trips for some years an Old Trafford insider told us.

"It's true. He longs to be a Cockney wanker, and is jealous of Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho who both live and work in the capital. Why else would he be fighting with them all the time?"

Carnal Knowledge

London's Euston station is a short walk from King's Cross, a notorious red light district. Jennie Bellend, who runs a massage establishment in the area called the House of a Thousand Pleasures, told us, "Yeah, I've seen him. He pays a fortune to dress up as a Pearly King and be taught how to say things like "Where's me dog and bone?" and "I need to have an Eartha Kitt sharpish, like. It's sick, that's what it is. Why he can't do something wholesome like sploshing is beyond me," she added before offering our intrepid report Larry Gak a díscount rub-down. He made his excuses and left. But went back a minute later.

Sick-sex expert Dr Julius Limbani of the Croydon Institute for Vinegar Strokes is familiar with Ferguson's bizarre interest. "Yes, it's very common for northern people to want to be like us here in the south, after all, they speak funny and it rains all the time where they come from. But to pay for it? To get off on it? My professional opinion is that he's one sick mutha."

The Shining

Rumours about what Fergie was doing in London began after dirty tabloid journalists reporting the recent assault started wondering exactly why Ferguson comes to London on regular basis. Some thought he was knocking off some old tart.

But that couldn't be true, could it?

Castro