The On-hand Bag

Makeover to capitalise on success of women's football team

Women goalies: Reacting well to criticism

Vibrating razor: Surprisingly popular

New shorts (known as 'Blatters')

The England women's team have returned home to a heroine's welcome following their exit from the World Cup being held in China. Despite a promising start, the team failed to get the ball past sturdy-thighed stunnah, Hope Solo, as they crashed out 3-0 to the USA.

Unfortunately, unlike their male counterparts, these players face a return to the harsh realities of Women's football in England without any ridiculously over-inflated book deals to cushion the blow of their quarter final exit.

Girl's World

The sad fact is that despite increased media coverage the comparisons to the men's game are still made. So how can the game become more popular?

FA marketing guru Ernesto Cockgroupier revealed his blueprint: "Football has a very male image and as such has only been able to attract a certain type of girl thus far, if you know what I mean. To reach out to a bigger, untapped market we need to sell it in an entirely different way."

Lube

He proceeded by getting out two razors: one for men and one for women. "Look at this," he said holding up the men's razor. "It's called Turbo GT V8: six blades and a slick ultra-lube coating designed by Ferrari. Put it in an advert with explosions and some hot birds in lab coats and bingo bongo - top seller."

He then picked up the ladies blade: "This, is Gossamer Nymph - it's the same thing only pink and advertised by hot birds on roller skates."

By any other name

As with these products the names of Ladies' teams will need to be changed to attract a new raft of eager young girls: Doncaster will now be known as Sparkly Pony Rangers while Arsenal will become Magical Fairy Princesses. Charlton will adopt the name Crystal Palace.

Cockgroupier has also suggested that the game be moved to the summer; firstly to separate it from the men's game and secondly to make a plausible excuse for skimpier kits.

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