Meta-therapy

Union sets up metatarsal support group

Emile: Wrong footed

Support group (artist's impression)

Plastic pitch: Just snaps together

The Professional Footballers Association have set up a support group for players who suffer broken metatarsal injuries, like the one sustained by England superstar Emile Heskey last Saturday.

Checking in

Broken metatarsals are all the rage among young footballers but can have disastrous consequences for the future. This new support group is located in the remote seclusion of the Lying Low Health Farm in Chester. Staffed by top psycho-therapists and counsellors, the group will help players come to terms with the trauma of not being able to play for their country, club, pub team or Thursday night five-side kick-about.

LK Today

The support group is the brainchild of sexy Morning TV doctor Wendy Demur. "Metatarsals are the real 'now' injury. Everyone's talking about them," she told Lorraine Kelly. "With therapeutic activities like, foot painting and crutch therapy, the boys will soon come to terms with their despair. Plus it counts as time against my community service for drink driving."

Player's Union bigwig Gordon Taylor insists the support group will be a great benefit and not just a way of distracting the media from the root cause of the problem of metatarsal injuries in modern football. "These sessions are really helpful," Taylor instructed our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "Emile Heskey is showing signs of successfully actualising his shattered foot... and dreams".

Where does it hurt?

Taylor points out that any player registering for the group will get a free pair of correctional moccasins recommended by Dr Demur and donated by a leading football boot manufacturer who wish to remain nameless. "Those boot makers have been real sports," said Taylor. "This spate of broken bones has been painful for them too."

Feed the scapegoat

At present, Heskey is the only member of the group. However, rooms are being made up for the anticipated flood of new players ahead of England's crucial Euro 2008 match against Russia on Moscow's Artificial Pitch Of Doom. "I can already hear the cries of the fallen Englishmen on those plastic Russian plains," said Dr Demur. "I can't wait."

Duffman