Fa Foiled Again

We do not tolerate failure in this Association, says Barwick

McClaren: unaware of deadly umbrella above

Barwick: if only the spineless twat was this evil

T800: new England manager?

Steve McClaren was killed after being stabbed in the leg by Brian Barwick wielding that umbrella, which, it turns out, was equipped with a poisionous tip.

The murder was punishment for failing to get England to next summer's European Championship.

The international criminal organisation that is the Football Association is said to be livid that their latest attempt at dominating world football has failed. In keeping with their policy of not tolerating failure, McClaren paid the ultimate price.

From Russia With Love

FA boss Brian Barwick predictably told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak while stroking a white Persian cat, "This Association does not tolerate failure. We shall continue our efforts to rule the world," he said in a low, ominous voice.

Barwick added, "Steve has done things the hard way from the start - crazy formations and bizarre team selections - when killing opponents should be easy enough. Steve always wanted to tell them our plans first".

Moonraker

The FA's players, or operatives, have consistently been outsmarted by operatives from overseas who possess exceptional skills plus gadgets galore which enable them to pass, head and place a football. Often they scored goals too.

Barwick remains befuddled, however. "I don't understand it. We often use live opponents in training. We've got billions of pounds at our disposal, and for some reason people fear us. Based on all that, it shouldn't be too hard to qualify, should it?"

OK Connery

Sports psychologist from the Croydon University of Football, Dr Julius Limbani, thinks Barwick has it all wrong. "Killing people who don't do their job properly is not a motivator. There is too much fear surrounding the England manager job. I recommend employing some sort of cold, humanoid robot. Someone who can't be bargained with. Who can't be reasoned with. Who doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear."

I'll be back

But Jose Mounrinho has already stated he is not interested in the job.

Castro