Robson Quotes Faked

Comedy one liners a sham

Sir Bobby Robson (1933 - 2009)

Nelson: I suppose oral sex is out of the question

Carl Cort... or Jason Euell

In a scandal that threatens to rock the foundations of English football, the Onion Bag can exclusively reveal that those amusing quotes from the late Sir Bobby Robson were made up.

Since time immemorial the so-called Robson Quotes have been used to exemplify the character and spirit of the venerable Geordie manager who coached England to glorious defeat in both the 1986 and 1990 World Cups. However, we can reveal that those quotes were never actually spoken by Robson and were part of an elaborate PR campaign to turn him into a lovable, elder statesman of the beautiful game.

"In the name of God go!"

After the disastrous 1988 European Championships as England manager, Sir Bobby was hated and vilified by the press. With the pressure mounting to quit, Robson refused. Unwilling to appear craven or disloyal, the FA agreed that he could remain at his post but insisted that something be done to improve his image. It was Ernesto Cockgroupier, an intern from the University of Croydon, who came up with the idea of using dodgy quotes.

"Who is your floor"

"I actually nicked them from a 1970's Norwegian-English phrase book" he told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "Did you know that the phrase 'If you count your chickens before they've hatched, they won't lay an egg' is actually a request for directions to the synagogue? and 'Ray Wilkins' day will come one night.' is in fact, 'can you tell me where to buy radium hair gel?'. Naturally I nicked them and passed them off as my own work."

"You can't handle the truth!"

The quotes have become woven into the fabric of English football lore and many will be devastated to learn that they were never used. However this is not the first time that public figures have had quotes misattributed to them. Lord Nelson never uttered, "Kiss me hardy". Nor did Captain Kirk ever say "Beam Me Up Scotty". Also, Diego Maradona never said "Hand of God". In fact he said: "I out-punched Peter Shilton and you're blaming me?"

We can also reveal that Sir Bobby knew exactly who Carl Cort was.

Duffman