2d Spectacle

Fans to watch matches in two dimensions

2D Glasses (artist's impression)

Amazingly unrealistic

In your ear whatever the match

Football fans will be given the chance to test out the latest technology when they will be issued revolutionary new glasses which will enable them to watch football in stunning 2D vision.

Flat screen

The special glasses have the ability to make real life objects look flat as though they were on a piece of paper or flat screen like a TV. The hi-tech specs are to be issued at selected football matches in the London area.

One fan has tried the new glasses and is impressed. "I couldn't believe my eyes" says Arsenal fan Nik Dogbolter. "One minute the players looked real and the next they looked just like they do on telly. What a world we live in!"

Retro

The glasses are the brainchild of Dr Julius Limbani, head of the Department Of Regressive Inventions at Croydon University. "We were commissioned by a major broadcaster to help replicate the TV experience at football matches." He told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "One day we hope to install ear pieces so fans can enhance their experience and listen to commentary. Of course it may not be commentary from the same game they're watching but it's a Small price to pay for having Jamie Redknapp in your ear."

Press red

"We're very excited about this project." says top PR expert Ernesto Cockgroupier who is acting on behalf of the broadcaster. "By de-enhancing football in this way we hope to discourage fans from turning up at games and spend their hard earned pennies on TV Sports subscriptions."

Experts believe that, in time, it will be possible to un-augment the coverage further by placing graphics within the fans field of vision advising them of the score of the game they are watching plus a number of important product updates from various corporate partners.

6 months from now...

Sceptics believe that the 2D goggles are rubbish. "It'll never catch on." says community activist Les Dyke. "They're just a fad like Sinclair C5's or Google Wave."

Meanwhile, work on 3D football coverage on television continues.

Duffman