Fergie 2.0 Ready For Service

Robot replacement planned for Sir Alex

LX2020: Artists impression

Sir Alex: Reluctant to go

Crouch: More machine than man

Manchester United's all-prevailing dominance of English football looks set to continue for decades or even centuries to come with the news that they are ready to launch their new LX2020 mechanoid.

Behold The Terminator

The mechanoid, a result of fifteen years of scientific research, will replace Sir Alex Ferguson as manager of the Old Trafford club when he eventually decides to retire. Its construction was prompted by fears that United's stadium will fall to the ground should Sir Alex ever leave, and with alternative managers around the world being deemed far too inferior, it was decided that a robot form of the great man was the best possible option to proceed with.

Much detail has gone into the making of LX2020 so as to make the transition from human presence to robot presence less noticeable. For a start, the makers have sourced custom-made titanium gears from Japan to work the robot's jawbone for that authentic gum-chewing action. The purest quality Waterford crystal has also been used for the mechanoid's eyes to replicate Sir Alex's icy stare and the finest Swiss timing mechanisms have even been left out to ensure the robot has no idea of the remaining minutes left at the end of any given football match.

Not-so-paranoid android

Special speech synthesizers coupled with Microsoft computer technology will ensure LX2020 talks impenetrable gobbledygook, and there's even the capability to crash and break down when the robot senses any form of unpleasantness at press conferences. All in all, the makers of LX2020 seem extremely satisfied with their creation, but there are doubts over the precise launch date for the mechanoid to begin its service with the club.

"We understand Sir Alex's reluctance to leave his post" said a technical consultant for Associated Tossbots, "but it's in everyone's best interests if he leaves as soon as possible so we can get everyone accustomed to the next generation of monotonous automaton with no personality."

C.R.O.U.C.H.

No-one from Manchester United was available for comment on the matter, however the proposed transfer of Peter Crouch to the club is likely to be discussed at their next board meeting on Monday.

Chris O