Berlusconi: Curse The Old Slag

Il Duce writes for The Onion Bag

Il Duce: Conqueror of Abasynnia

Pippo: My hero

Laura Esposto: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

In his final column for the Onion Bag, Il Duce, Silvio Berlusconi looks ahead to the new Serie A season.

Of course, I knew it would not take long. The old lady may be past her best but she still knows a trick or two. Those cowards in Serie B would not be able to withstand her charms. But now where are they? Left naked and humiliated as she wipes her crusty mouth and takes their lira (I refuse to call it euro) from their greasy palms. They make me sick, all of them.

AC DC

Not my beautiful warriors of Milan though. In preparation for the campaign ahead they have bested the ancient slapper in the Duce Cup. My boy Pippo is the hero once again as he was in Athens. My big strong boy. Oh how I adore him. Each night I lay a flower outside his house and every Sunday he joins Veronica and me for brunch. "You are too kind to me my Duce" he tells me. I wag my finger as a reproach but he says "Really ,my Duce. The other boys are talking." Poor Pippo, he does not understand. No one "talks" in Italy without my say so.

Internazionale rescue

But soon my thoughts return to matters of Calcio and the scum who claimed the scudetto which was rightfully ours. I can barely speak their name. They wear blue and black and now the George Cross on their away kits like they are a bunch of island apes from England. I would throw bananas at them but my doctor tells me I must conserve my strength for the Judge.

Bunny boiler

Last night I dreamt of Ronaldinho. He is nothing compared to Shevchenko (who is lost to me now, I realise that) or my precious Pippo, but when I look into his cock eyes I see a man unfulfilled in communist Barcelona, where they wear nothing but boiler suits and read George Orwell novels. I have a plan to lure him to me. I will offer him one of my Milanista girls. Who is the one working for your Channel 5? Laura Esposto, yes that's her. On second thoughts, perhaps that one should stay closer to me. Veronica... where is my private plane? I wish send you on holiday.

Il Duce