Official: Football Is Gay

Sport dismisses Brazilian claim that football is hetrosexual

Football: gay

Autosexual: see the movie

Ashley & Cheryl: nothing to see here

A Brazilian judge is facing legal action tonight after declaring the football is heterosexual.

Judge Judge Manoel Maximiniano Junqueira Filho aka Filholio claims football is a virile masculine sport and not a homosexual one. His comments emerged during the hearing of a libel case concerning the outing of Brazilian footballer Richarlyson on a TV show.

Lipstick, powder and paint

But lawyers for the beautiful game have been quick to reject the judge's comments, rightly declaring him homophobic. A Fifa spokesman hissed, "Football is definitely gay. 100% poofta. Just look at all our lovely boys - Beckham, Ronaldo, Dowie. What a bunch of chadders."

Oh Julie

The judge also made the confusing statement that no-one who had watched the golden era of Pele and others in the 1970s could ever consider having a homosexual idol. But many gay people were around in the 70s, some of whom might have watched football, and who might also have had homosexual idols in all walks of life.

This ole house

Tedious campaigner and band-wagoner Les Dyke of pressure group Football Loves Itself quickly interfered to declare that football is neither gay nor straight, but autosexual. "Football is only interested in itself. We reject these labels suggesting we have a preference for one gender. In fact, we just love ourselves so much. We fiddle with our bits and nobody else's. Now excuse me while I go and knock one out."

The Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak, picking a player entirely at random, phoned Chelsea and England full back Ashley Cole to ask if he thought football was gay, but Cole didn't answer because he'd shoved his mobile up his arse.

Castro