Career Opportunities

Pundit imagines what might have been for Wenger et al

Johnny; What might have been

'That's a nasty stain, Sir. Next Tues all right?'

McLaren: Ooops. Time for a career break...?

Funny old thing, Football. For instance, today’s Managers. What would they have been if they hadn’t been managers?

A bit of a wet

I was debating this with my chums, Fothergill of the Light Programme and Henry Ham (recently appointed Football Correspondent to Parliament Live TV), Thursday last. We were sharing a wet in The Mixed Metaphor, the watering hole for hacks and pundits in London’s fashionable Soho.

Dancers and linos

‘Sir Alex Ferguson?’ ‘Sure wouldn’t have been a dancer — nor would David Pleat.’ ‘Something in a launderette, perhaps? He could dry everything up to a sheepskin coat merely using some withering sarcasm.’ ‘Wenger?’ ‘He’d have been a lino.’ ‘For why, Fothers?’ ‘Never sees anything on the pitch.’ ‘Most satirical,’ wheezed Ham, approvingly.

Another pint of wallop

We topped up with another pint of wallop and went on through the list. ‘Sam Allardyce?’ ‘Postman.’ ‘Really?’ ‘He just looks like a postman.’ ‘Sven?’ ‘Therapist — the sort who charges far too much and is up to how’s-your-father with his clients.’ ‘Keegan?’ ‘Failed 70s rock star who insists on still touring. With each tour, the venues get smaller: soon to be third on the bill after Gerry and the Pacemakers. Everyone knows the song he’s famous for, they just wish he’d quit singing it as if it’s still in the charts.’

The last cheese and pineapple stick

Fothergill picked at the last cheese and pineapple stick. Ham, in defiance of new conventions, lit a stoogie. ‘So, here’s a blast from the past. What would Steve McLaren have been if he wasn’t a Manager?’ ‘Looks like he’s getting the chance to find out.’

Johnny Pundit