Wor Catastrophe Averted

Newcastle saved after winning Fulham six-pointer

Keegan - 40 days in the wilderness

Hodgson - two of us in this marriage

Barton - role model to millions

The FA last night confirmed that Newcastle United will indeed be awarded the full six points for their Easter weekend win over struggling Fulham. The 2-0 victory - already thought to be the biggest miracle to happen on an Easter weekend in some 2000 years - had been seen as make-or-break for the abjectly useless North-Eastern plodders. But with all six points in the bag and similarly vital games against Reading and Sunderland coming up in the next month, Kevin Keegan's side are already setting their sights on a UEFA Cup berth for next season.

Wrong about everything

"That's six points, and with 12 more on the table against Reading and Sunderland, I don't think Europe is an unreasonable goal," explained The Venerable Keeg, in a complete world of his own. "I've already told my lads to aim at those thrilling Thursday nights in Manila and Tangiers." Keegan was also keen to make amends for his allegedly less-than-supportive treatment of Michael Owen during his tenure as England boss. "I never used to realise how good Michael was. At international level, you only see players for 3 days every two months. Now that I see him every day in training and in the matches, I have to say he is the best player ever in the history of the game. The reason I have to say that is because if he leaves this summer, we're completely and utterly buggered."

Unrelenting scandals

Newcastle's baffling return to form has not been without its controversies. The managers of the Big Four clubs were all said to be outraged that Newcastle were awarded six points for winning against a team no Sky TV subscriber has ever heard of. A mere three were on offer for victories in either of Sunday's much-trumpeted "Fucking Unbelievable Sunday" matches between the sides. Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of the title-chasing Beijing Red Devils, told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak that "We should be looking at twelve for a win and at least eight for a draw. And ten for a red card. And 2 more for every time "dismal, over-rated, dreadful, pathetic, shambles" is used in media coverage of the games on Sunday evening or Monday."

Bold 4-4-3 formation

Meanwhile, the defeated Fulham manager Roy Hodgson was scathing about the "shocking" decision to allow Newcastle to play with a 12-man team. Spokesmen for the Duke of Edinburgh or MI6 declined to comment, and so an FA spokesman instead defended the action. "As part of Newcastle's cuddly scouse midfield lunatic Joey Barton's bail conditions, he is to have a parole officer within 50 yards of him at all times," FA Communications director Adrian Bevington told us, through an interpreter. "We do not want to be liable to prosecution for Restraint of Trade. Or, less still, for him to nut us,"

The parole officer, wearing number 16, had a few useful touches before being substituted for a meek-looking female social worker on 78 minutes.

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